An open letter to my loved ones.

Ever noticed how things change around you and you have to keep up with everything or you become out of touch? I haven’t. I’m very lazy when it comes to opening my eyes to the world. I forget that not answering my phone, or replying to a text or email or even something as meaningless as a Facebook comment can cause at worst offence or at least irritation.

I’m a busy guy, I work 9-5 Monday to Friday… so I’m not so busy. I busy myself with shit that’s not important and I drink heavily because these days I have to admit I am an alcoholic. Drinkers are like any other addicts, selfish. So I spend my time selfishly, pleasuring myself with simple things like the internet, books, films and TV shows I like and hobbies and interests and other things that make me happy… but this selfishness has a downside. It might be pleasurable to do what ever I want but it’s also neglectful.

I have a girlfriend who I love more than anything, she is my best friend she makes me smile, she’s my first thought when I wake and my last thought when I sleep, but still she simply puts up with me. I know she loves me, why else would she be with me after five years but still I know I should treat her better. I do treat her well, I’m not neglectful or forgetful, we have fun, but we really should be more than we are. We should be engaged, I should pop the question, I know this, I’m working up to that, it’s a big step and I’m happy to take it, we really should be married by now, let alone engaged. I love you very much. It’s me not you. I love you.

I have two great sisters and they have great families. I get to enjoy the liberal mix of nuclear family and gay relationship which is really fucking cool. Two sisters, a brother in law, a sister in law, nieces and nephews that are all the nicest people you could want to meet. I’m not so great at keeping in touch with you guys either but I think about and love you all every day, so come and give me a big snog! YES ALL OF YOU!

I have lots of friends too and they probably are the most neglected of my loved ones. All of them are superstars, I don’t have to know you, I choose to know you and several years ago we were closer. I know I’m a strange specimen and I can be weird and eccentric and offer talk of the shite kind as well as insightful debate about Red Dwarf or Metallica, but I’m still the Jay you knew back then and I’m sorry for being such a stranger. It’s my fault entirely. I’m guilty of turning my phone off and leaving it off, not out of neglect, but just because I thought I needed peace and quiet.  I didn’t. The silence of a phone that’s switched back on is a lot more haunting and upsetting than a phone that’s turned off. I learned this and I learned that being a cunt which I have been sometimes isn’t good. But I haven’t changed, not really. Yes I’m fatter and older and my hair is 50% grey (70% in some regions) but I’m still the bloke I always was… a moron with a sense of humour. I’m sorry guys for being a stranger, but if you don’t mind I wanna stay a piss head, just a more familiar one. I also wanna be mates again. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves and I want my chosen family back, god damn it.

I also know I’ve annoyed neighbours, never intentionally, sometimes drunkenly, always with a point. That point is, you can knock my door anytime and I’ll help you, but don’t take the piss. Take the piss out of me as you do, that’s OK, but don’t take the piss out of my family for being gay. Otherwise I don’t care. We’ve all got to live together and I’ve known some of you for decades so just man up and come and see me. I won’t bite, I’m not a monster. I might even give you a beer. Everything is cool, I bear no grudges after tonight. Peace!

Work colleagues, I like you or I don’t. I like most of you actually, especially the ones covering my arse as I laze about on Twitter. Otherwise you can fuck off. :- )

I love you all,

Peace!

PS this aint a suicide note, I won’t be committing suicide. (Sorry about that :-@ … I know some of you are gutted).