The future is something I often contemplate when I’m feeling sad and down and ill which is what I’m feeling right now. It’s a terrible thing to feel sorry for yourself and feel the whole world is against you, I know that, but still I feel sorry for myself and I know the world is against me. Well maybe not the entire world, just the small one I inhabit in the West Midlands.
But with Christmas only weeks away and the New Year approaching fast I’m already making plans for 2012. I’d like to think it was going to be the year when some publishing executive stumbles across my websites and blogs and tweets and says, “I’ve gotta give that guy a five book deal with a £100k advance and movie options!” but of course in reality it’ll be another year spent going nowhere and achieving little outside of my garden.
Reality always bites me and bites hard in the winter. I find long cold dark evenings to sit around and think about life causes serious low points that I’d describe as depression but as I’m aware of it I know to try and keep it in check and not slide into a mire of self pity and hatred. I have an over active imagination and often over think the simplest tasks and all I do is worry and panic and stress over silly things that aren’t worth stressing over. My much more clued up girlfriend always says (and she’s right) ‘Worry about the things you can change not the things you can’t!”
But I still find myself getting stressed and annoyed by people. For example I cannot understand why everyone at work takes it all so damn seriously. It’s just work. I like to turn up and do what I’ve gotta do, rub along with people and go home. We aren’t soldiers or doctors or nurses. As long as we do a decent job everyone should be happy.
Anyway, the future. With a New Year come the usual failings that are resolutions. It’s time to eat better, stop smoking and drink a lot less, as well as write that book and get a new job or improve my current one, relax more and blog less. But I know that few of these things will happen. Sure the – “eat well drink less regime,” always takes off at first. I can stop smoking any time I like, I smoke little Hamlet’s and they are easily given up, but then I eat more. But there is only so much vegetable matter you can consume… oh fuck it I’ll have a Burger King and so the fail begins before it starts.
At least it’s nearly Christmas. It’s nice to have a break and see the family and see friends and relax and eat lots of turkey and stuffing and watch the same old crap on the TV as last year. It’s nice to give presents and receive presents; it’s nice to put up a tree too. I used to find it an effort but you’ve gotta aint ya. Christmas aint Christmas without a tree.
But of course it’s also a time that reminds me of lost loved ones, my mum and dad and my nephew Simon. The years don’t lessen the ache you feel in your heart when all you want to do is say Merry Christmas to someone and you can’t. But I’m lucky to still have my sisters and their families and my girlfriend and her daughter and family around too. It makes for a livelier time and its fun to be around people at Christmas. A few years ago I’d have never said that. I preferred solitude and loneliness. I think I was probably depressed back then too, I just never realised it.
Actually there is no future, only now, we can make plans and hope for things to be different or better but we have no say or control over what might be around the next corner. Each morning the sun comes up on another day and before it sets again you just never know where the hell you might find yourself.
Well… you’ll probably find yourself in bed. Or reading this on a laptop or a phone.
Well if you have, thanks very much, I’ll speak to you all again soon,
Peace!
