Post disclaimer: If the missus reads this, it’s just a bit of fun. She knows what I’m like but I will still expect a snake bite like nipple twist and several rabbit punches to the gut regardless but I liked my comedy-misogynist angle to this whole silly post. Enjoy.
“hey cocka, giz an hand will ya”
If TV has taught me anything it’s that during an apocalypse of the walking dead variety it’s probably better to stay at home rather than venture out. Here are some of my tips to make sure that the people of Bilston are safe (these tips can also be used by people in Tipton or West Bromwich but I’m not so concerned about those goobers and most of them can’t read anyway)
Lock all doors and windows: This also applies during non Zombie infestations to avoid being collared by Jehovas Witnesses (who selfishly knock on doors for there own salvation, not yours! I know… the fucking cheek!) or dodgy looking men with five o’clock shadows and greasy hair trying to sell you new UPVC guttering. And don’t even get me started on those haggard, cat smelling old biddies trying to flog you ‘Lucky heather’, its not that lucky is it luv? Ay? Think about it.
Live in the attic: Now I’m sure that some people have converted their attics into another bedroom which is frankly short sighted. In the event of a Zombie infestation you will be glad you can pull the ladder up after you and close the hatch. A further set of stairs to a master bedroom with en suite will only offer first class luxury to any Zombie that makes its way into your house. Do you really want your brains to be eaten in a Spa bath you saved so very hard for but rarely use? No I didn’t think so.
Prepare the attic: your basic needs will have to be catered for, and for several weeks if not months. The following is not optional; you will need to tick all boxes if you want to stay as comfortable & safe as possible.
Sleeping bag – most Bilston men will own one of these for the times when they’ve had to spend a night or two in the back of their Ford Transit after falling out with the missus, it is essential you remove this item from underneath all of your tools and Toffee Crisp wrappers and take it straight up into the attic. If your relationship is still undecidedly rocky – invest in another one. A second sleeping bag is also handy if you’re choosing to save the missus’ life too. Remember – chivalry can mean cold nights if you do play the gentleman with only one of these life saving items between you.
Assorted battery powered items: Vibrators and flesh-lights will have to be left behind. Not only do they waste batteries they also require the kind of maintenance that will be unfeasible and cause an unhygienic situation… I guess, anyway. You will require an assortment of batteries to cover all of the electrical devices that you will need. Several torches will be essential and will avoid childish arguing with the missus about whose turn it is to hold it. A radio is also needed. You have to assume that someone, somewhere will be broadcasting, but knowing our luck it’ll only be Talksport as the presenters are immune from having their brains eaten by virtue of not having any. I used to mock them, but it seems in a situation like this they will have the last laugh – all day long. Oh yeah, if you do take your mobile phone, which won’t last very long, make sure it’s on silent. You may struggle to contact any friends or loved ones but you can guarantee that Dominoes will still send you endless Two for Tuesday type offers, even as their head office burns amongst the devastation.
Food & Water: Despite what Bear Grylls has told us, drinking your own piss is grotesque. Let’s face it what self respecting Bilston bloke would chug down a pint of his own piss, especially after a night on the tiles, which is most nights if you’re being honest. Make sure you stock the attic with as much bottled water as you can. The water in the central heating tank is probably only safe for washing in (for the people of West Bromwich, washing is when you remove the days scum and sweat from your body) and not drinking. Tins are the best form of food. Most tinned stuff can be eaten safely, cold. Baked beans, pilchards, tuna, baked beans, salmon, kidney beans, soup, more baked beans, mushy peas, baked beans and even baked beans. See, all the comforts of home sealed in a tin, as you’re sealed in the attic, with the missus, and Talksport. This survival game is going to be plain sailing I reckon. Now just check on that second sleeping bag again.
Medicine: everyone knows if you have some plasters, germoline and paracetamol you’re sorted. Us Bilston blokes never go to the doctors because we never get ill, wim ard ay we. Maybe a bottle of medicinal brandy or two just to be extra cautious. Add a box of tissues and some chloroform for the missus and you’re practically living in a self contained emergency room, doctor.
Ablutions: given the beany, fishy diet that you may find yourself on you will need a bucket or two, or three or four. Ideally one of those large plastic bins with the air tight lids as made famous by Jeffrey Dalmer would work well as a septic tank but be careful not to knock it over. The missus will have enough cleaning to contend with as she washes your socks in the heating tank. Magic trees from the Ford Transit make great air fresheners, new car is my personal fave and masks the smell of faeces like saw dust used to mask the smell of vomit in junior school.
Keep a diary: it didn’t do Anne Frank any harm did it? Her book went on to sell millions. You could end up with a best seller on your hands. What?
Entertainment: books, jazz mags and those ViewMaster slide shows from the 1970s are all invaluable items (especially the classic Adam West – Batman slide show series). You may also drop lucky and find old board games amongst the clutter of the attic. A deck of cards is also useful. If the missus brings her purse you can take all of her child benefit by dealing from the bottom of the pack and confuse her with your own rules of texas hold em (you may as well make the situation work for you, right? Plus some of it was probably your money to begin with so what the hell!) Ker-Plunk is a no go game though as the noise of falling marbles coupled with you shouting “Aaaaaaaahhhhh – I win again!” whilst holding your fingers in an L shape on your forehead at the missus may alert any flesh eating undead to your wearabouts.
Pets – forget them. Fish, rodents, reptiles – too high maintenance. Cats and dogs are liable to foul, especially dogs. Piss will seep through the ceiling and stink the place up. You know what’ll happen next. I mean you could try throwing the dog through the hatch at the attacking hoards of putrid, rotting, gutter beings below but it would be nothing more than a starter before the main course, and the last thing you need is an undead fido with one hell of a grudge to contend with as well.
If you follow these simple steps you can and will survive a zombie apocalypse in Bilston. You will be richer for the experience and bonded with the missus in a way that you both never thought possible. Are those wedding bells I hear?
Coming soon – ‘How to Survive a Conservative-UKIP Coalition Government in Bilston’ if I can be arsed. I have permanently shelved plans for ‘How to Survive the Islamification of Bilston’ due to the lack of a sense of humour amongst some people. Maybe I could do it as a cartoon strip instead? – now, I AM ONLY JOKING!!!