Book update.

A lot of people (by a lot I mean more than five) are asking me and wondering when the history of Bilston town FC will be ready to buy and read.

I would like to say next week, but, if it were ready next week it would only be half of the story.

I’m about 60% of the way through the entire project. The first half, which I’ve equated to 1894 to 1947 is done as a first draft. It’s completely researched and written. Job done. I’m sure its nowhere near as detailed as it could be but as far as this book goes its done. I can waste the next two or three years researching it all in painstaking detail but I think I have everything I need and the missing parts are as irrelevant as a history book about Napoleon not mentioning what he had for breakfast on a given Sunday when he was 19 years old.

That said, I do want this book to be as definitive and interesting as possible to the Bilston fans. So I’m not leaving any stones unturned, they all get a turning, but the relevance of what’s beneath those stones may not warrant a mention.

I have to be researcher, compiler, organiser, writer and editor of this and that comes with a responsibility, the responsibility being that I don’t neglect the completion of this project on inane moments and don’t take a second longer than I have to. I feel the need to complete it sooner rather than later, for the former players I have met who aren’t getting any younger, and to all of the people at the club who expect this book from me.

I can assure you all I am working my socks and pants off, to the detriment of my social life and to the annoyance of my loved ones.

And the 1947 to present day is starting to look pretty damned sweet too.

Just bear with me if you can and thank you if you’ve contributed.

Peace.

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West Midlands Regional League (Premier League) – Results – 24th- 28th March 2015.

Bilston took a hammering at Malvern and Sporting Khalsa took two more giant strides towards a trophy that has been theirs since August. This weeks results are as follows:

28th March 2015

Cradley Town 2 – 5 Bewdley Town

Ellesmere Rangers 3 – 2 Dudley Sports

Haughmond 2 – 3 Sporting Khalsa

Malvern Town 5 – 2 Bilston Town Community

Pegasus Juniors 3 – 2 Dudley Town

Smethwick Rangers 3 – 0 Wellington Amateurs

W’Ton Casuals 4 – 0 Shawbury United

Wednesfield 1 – 4 Gornal Athletic

Wellington 0 – 1 W’Ton Sporting Community

Willenhall Town 1 – 1 Black Country Rangers

25th March 2015

Cradley Town 6 – 1 Wednesfield

Smethwick Rangers 0-0 Wellington

W’Ton Sporting Community 4 – 1 Shifnal Town

24th March 2015

Wellington Amateurs 3 – 4 Sporting Khalsa

28th March 2015

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West Midlands Regional League (Premier League) – Results – 17th-21st March.

Bilston Town took the points in an away day at Bridgnorth which takes their points tally to 42 for the season and may just be enough to make sure that they are playing in this division again next season regardless of the remaining eight league games they have still to play. Sporting Khalsa were held to a surprising nil-nil home draw versus Pegasus Juniors but the point is another point closer to the title, especially given the three points they picked up mid week against Wellington. As I’ve said many times before, its their title for sure. They have a nine point lead at the top and games in hand to pick up more. The complete results for the last week is as follows:

21st March 2015

AFC Bridgnorth 1 – 2 Bilston Town Community

Bewdley Town 0 – 2 W’Ton Sporting Community

Black Country Rangers 0 – 0 Wellington

Dudley Town 2 – 3 W’Ton Casuals

Ellesmere Rangers 1 – 1 Malvern Town

Gornal Athletic 1 – 2 Cradley Town

Shawbury United 3 – 3 Willenhall Town

Shifnal Town 0 – 0 Smethwick Rangers

Sporting Khalsa 0 – 0 Pegasus Juniors

Wellington Amateurs 1 – 4 Haughmond

18th March 2015

Dudley Town 0 – 0 AFC Bridgnorth

17th March 2015

Dudley Sports 4 – 0 Wednesfield

Ellesmere Rangers 2 – 2 Shawbury United

Wellington 0 – 2 Sporting Khalsa

WMRL Premier division table 22nd march 2015

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West Midlands Regional league (Premier League) – Results – 14/03/2015

Bilston suffered another heavy defeat at home this time losing four-nil to Gornal Athletic, Bilston are looking safe enough in mid table to maintain their Premier league status into the 2015-16 season. AFC Bridgnorth have closed the gap at the top of the table to six points with a seven-nil rout of Smethwick but top of the table Sporting Khalsa still have four games in hand and the title still looks more than theirs.

14th March 2015 Results:

AFC Bridgnorth 7-0 Smethwick Rangers

Bilston Town Community 0-4 Gornal Athletic

Cradley Town 1-2 Haughmond

Dudley Sports 1-0 Pegasus Juniors

Shifnal Town 5-3 Black Country Rangers

W’Ton Casuals 0-2 W’Ton Sporting Community

Wednesfield 2-2 Shawbury United

Willenhall Town 1-4 Wellington

WMRL West Midlands Regional League Table 15th March 2015

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Grand Design, With a Typo or Two.

I find it hard to understand why atheists are seen as the enemy of religion. We are only the enemy in as much as we don’t believe in your God or any God. So I suppose we are numbers you can’t count as being one of your boys. Why is that so bad?

I can remember the moment that I switched from being a passive believer to atheism. It was almost biblical in its revelation. I suppose it’s ironic that the most meaningful moment in my life that relates to faith was that one. The faith I had was as a result of my circumstances rather than any real, deep and meaningful faith, and so I suppose it was always inevitable that I would submit to logic and reason, mostly because I was never forced to believe anything and none of it was pushed upon me. I think in those circumstances atheism is always going to happen. It’s sad that I won’t go to heaven when I die, because it’s a construct of man, but I can buy the idea, even now. The idea of dying not being the end is a comforting one but I came from nowt and I’ll go back to nowt. I’ve lost nowt along the way regardless. Life is just a window on reality, a 70 or 80 year movie (if you’re lucky) that allows us to document the physical universe. It’s just a time to experience – physically, emotionally and have spontaneous thought or creativity.

I don’t hate religion. I grew up in a very liberally minded household with a Methodist, Labour voting, trades union supporting father and protestant, liberal voting mother. I was a protestant, Church of England to be exact and I went to a Catholic secondary school which expected me to attend mass occasionally mostly before Xmas and Easter but it was optional every single week. Sometimes I went, usually when I’d skipped breakfast, just for a free wafer, which was no breakfast replacement and was dryer than a nuns crutch in a sandstorm. But it was all so passive and voluntary. I was never forced to believe anything or do anything I didn’t want to. I did kinda believe in God but felt that his absence in the world was either down to embarrassment at what he’d created or because he wasn’t real but the circus surrounding his fiction offered people hope. That was OK.

I suppose you could argue that because my faith was not hammered into me that I lost it but the truth is I was given a free choice to believe or not. No one judged me either way and that is how it should be. I think that people who have faith are OK and religion is not a bad thing as long as it’s individual and not part of an organised group or cult. Religion and faith is an awesome addition to a persons life when its theirs, my problem is with organised religions, you know, the major ones because on the face of it, if they came into existence today for the first time, no one at all would buy into them or accept then as instructional manuals for their lives, its that simple. Believe what you want but you simply can’t believe in something rigid with a million or a billion other people, that is not faith, that is cult. That is what the major faiths are.

Religion has its place individually and for some people but certainly has no place in government or morality or dare I say (try not to laugh) science. Theocracy is another way of letting a work of fiction govern your country and your people and it’s almost hilarious if it wasn’t so destructive. Would we want to be governed by a book like Harry Potter or Fifty Shades of Grey? No because they are works of fiction, but some countries in this mad world of ours are governed by the teachings shared in books of religion. Religion stops women choosing what they do with their own bodies, it hates people who want to sleep with their own sex, and it tells terminally ill people they can’t end their lives. But it says that hatred of other faiths is OK, God is always right regardless of his plagues and his judgements, and if you covet the ox of your neighbour you will be in the most serious of trouble. God – who only seems to speak to the poorest people in the most poor places on earth, usually where people are illiterate but still he demands that they write his words down for all mankind for ever more… and somehow they do. And yet he’s not speaking to anyone today, right now. He intervened when we were a random scattering of villages that just got on with stuff but now that we could do with his intervention he’s oddly absent. What is he, nothing more than that bloke who would rather stand in the bookies than be at home with his children. Abusive, vacant, missing… because he isn’t real.

The more you look at religion the more holes that appear. I use religion as a colander these days to strain boiled vegetables its just so god damn holy and holey and wholly disgusting.

All of the major religions are not just false; they copy from each other as generation after generation, hundreds and thousands of years ago tried to outdo each other with their own version of controlling dumb asses for the profit and benefit of themselves. Back then they could not have known that their simple God scam would still be going in 2015, they’d piss themselves laughing to know that wars were fought and divisions in humanity were caused by their get rich quick schemes.

Religion 2000 years ago was just a bank job, they wanted to own people and make money and so they created the man in the sky. But this bank job needed an exit strategy, but it never happened. All of the culprits died, one by one, like some tragically pathetic Guy Richie gangster movie. Leaving behind just the swag and a story about where it was and how to get it. And so people continue to search for salvation and heaven even though it was robbed, spent, lost and gone ages ago.

If only Jesus had known a man with a Ford Capri, where is Swervy McScarper when you need him? Swervy you were the exit strategy.

Organised religion is for morons, faith is for the faithful and atheism is for the enlightened, which we all become sooner or later regardless. I don’t hate faith or personal belief, I’m spiritual, I care, I love but I know without any doubt that the finger of God touching the finger of man on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel is nothing more than beautiful hope rather than being a record of fact.

Open your mind and your heart, if under scrutiny you still believe this cock and bull God story then you truly believe. But you have to open it to scrutiny first to truly know.

Enlighten yourself. The world and its people are better when you do. We’re all the same, just life forms running around a rock wondering what the fuck is going on.

Peace.

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West Midlands Regional league (Premier League) – Results – 07/03/2015

It was a close but disappointing result for Bilston who lost two-one away at Dudley Sports. The Steelmen are at home this coming Saturday (14th March) to Gornal Athletic. The unstoppable force that is Sporting Khalsa dominated yet another game with a five-nil win at home to Smethwick. I think the Midland Football League Premier Division may beckon for them next season. The results for the 7th of March are as follows:

Bewdley 0-1 AFC Bridgnorth

Black Country Rangers 3-4 Wolverhampton Casuals

Dudley Sports 2-1 Bilston Town

Dudley Town 4-2 Wednesfield

Malvern Town 4-1 Ellesmere Rangers

Pegasus Juniors 3-0 Shifnal Town

Shawbury 8-0 Cradley Town

Sporting Khalsa 5-0 Smethwick Rangers

Wolverhampton Sporting Community 3-1 Willenhall Town

Wellington 1-1 Wellington Amateurs

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How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse in Bilston.

Post disclaimer: If the missus reads this, it’s just a bit of fun. She knows what I’m like but I will still expect a snake bite like nipple twist and several rabbit punches to the gut regardless but I liked my comedy-misogynist angle to this whole silly post. Enjoy.

11111

“hey cocka, giz an hand will ya”

If TV has taught me anything it’s that during an apocalypse of the walking dead variety it’s probably better to stay at home rather than venture out. Here are some of my tips to make sure that the people of Bilston are safe (these tips can also be used by people in Tipton or West Bromwich but I’m not so concerned about those goobers and most of them can’t read anyway)

Lock all doors and windows: This also applies during non Zombie infestations to avoid being collared by Jehovas Witnesses (who selfishly knock on doors for there own salvation, not yours! I know… the fucking cheek!) or dodgy looking men with five o’clock shadows and greasy hair trying to sell you new UPVC guttering. And don’t even get me started on those haggard, cat smelling old biddies trying to flog you ‘Lucky heather’, its not that lucky is it luv? Ay? Think about it.

Live in the attic: Now I’m sure that some people have converted their attics into another bedroom which is frankly short sighted. In the event of a Zombie infestation you will be glad you can pull the ladder up after you and close the hatch. A further set of stairs to a master bedroom with en suite will only offer first class luxury to any Zombie that makes its way into your house. Do you really want your brains to be eaten in a Spa bath you saved so very hard for but rarely use? No I didn’t think so.

Prepare the attic: your basic needs will have to be catered for, and for several weeks if not months. The following is not optional; you will need to tick all boxes if you want to stay as comfortable & safe as possible.

Sleeping bag – most Bilston men will own one of these for the times when they’ve had to spend a night or two in the back of their Ford Transit after falling out with the missus, it is essential you remove this item from underneath all of your tools and Toffee Crisp wrappers and take it straight up into the attic. If your relationship is still undecidedly rocky – invest in another one. A second sleeping bag is also handy if you’re choosing to save the missus’ life too. Remember – chivalry can mean cold nights if you do play the gentleman with only one of these life saving items between you.

Assorted battery powered items: Vibrators and flesh-lights will have to be left behind. Not only do they waste batteries they also require the kind of maintenance that will be unfeasible and cause an unhygienic situation… I guess, anyway. You will require an assortment of batteries to cover all of the electrical devices that you will need. Several torches will be essential and will avoid childish arguing with the missus about whose turn it is to hold it. A radio is also needed. You have to assume that someone, somewhere will be broadcasting, but knowing our luck it’ll only be Talksport as the presenters are immune from having their brains eaten by virtue of not having any. I used to mock them, but it seems in a situation like this they will have the last laugh – all day long. Oh yeah, if you do take your mobile phone, which won’t last very long, make sure it’s on silent. You may struggle to contact any friends or loved ones but you can guarantee that Dominoes will still send you endless Two for Tuesday type offers, even as their head office burns amongst the devastation.

Food & Water: Despite what Bear Grylls has told us, drinking your own piss is grotesque. Let’s face it what self respecting Bilston bloke would chug down a pint of his own piss, especially after a night on the tiles, which is most nights if you’re being honest. Make sure you stock the attic with as much bottled water as you can. The water in the central heating tank is probably only safe for washing in (for the people of West Bromwich, washing is when you remove the days scum and sweat from your body) and not drinking. Tins are the best form of food. Most tinned stuff can be eaten safely, cold. Baked beans, pilchards, tuna, baked beans, salmon, kidney beans, soup, more baked beans, mushy peas, baked beans and even baked beans. See, all the comforts of home sealed in a tin, as you’re sealed in the attic, with the missus, and Talksport. This survival game is going to be plain sailing I reckon. Now just check on that second sleeping bag again.

Medicine: everyone knows if you have some plasters, germoline and paracetamol you’re sorted. Us Bilston blokes never go to the doctors because we never get ill, wim ard ay we. Maybe a bottle of medicinal brandy or two just to be extra cautious. Add a box of tissues and some chloroform for the missus and you’re practically living in a self contained emergency room, doctor.

Ablutions: given the beany, fishy diet that you may find yourself on you will need a bucket or two, or three or four. Ideally one of those large plastic bins with the air tight lids as made famous by Jeffrey Dalmer would work well as a septic tank but be careful not to knock it over. The missus will have enough cleaning to contend with as she washes your socks in the heating tank. Magic trees from the Ford Transit make great air fresheners, new car is my personal fave and masks the smell of faeces like saw dust used to mask the smell of vomit in junior school.

Keep a diary: it didn’t do Anne Frank any harm did it? Her book went on to sell millions. You could end up with a best seller on your hands. What?

Entertainment: books, jazz mags and those ViewMaster slide shows from the 1970s are all invaluable items (especially the classic Adam West – Batman slide show series). You may also drop lucky and find old board games amongst the clutter of the attic. A deck of cards is also useful. If the missus brings her purse you can take all of her child benefit by dealing from the bottom of the pack and confuse her with your own rules of texas hold em (you may as well make the situation work for you, right? Plus some of it was probably your money to begin with so what the hell!) Ker-Plunk is a no go game though as the noise of falling marbles coupled with you shouting “Aaaaaaaahhhhh – I win again!” whilst holding your fingers in an L shape on your forehead at the missus may alert any flesh eating undead to your wearabouts.

Pets – forget them. Fish, rodents, reptiles – too high maintenance. Cats and dogs are liable to foul, especially dogs. Piss will seep through the ceiling and stink the place up. You know what’ll happen next. I mean you could try throwing the dog through the hatch at the attacking hoards of putrid, rotting, gutter beings below but it would be nothing more than a starter before the main course, and the last thing you need is an undead fido with one hell of a grudge to contend with as well.

If you follow these simple steps you can and will survive a zombie apocalypse in Bilston. You will be richer for the experience and bonded with the missus in a way that you both never thought possible. Are those wedding bells I hear?

Cheers!

Coming soon – ‘How to Survive a Conservative-UKIP Coalition Government in Bilston’ if I can be arsed. I have permanently shelved plans for ‘How to Survive the Islamification of Bilston’ due to the lack of a sense of humour amongst some people. Maybe I could do it as a cartoon strip instead? – now, I AM ONLY JOKING!!!

Peace!

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