Liverpool 0-1 Wolves

All season Wolves have played really good football, they’ve already surprised the richest club in the world by beating them at Molineux… money cannot buy you everything Man City. Usually though Wolves are chasing a goal or two before they get into gear, like when they played Bolton. They had to go 3-0 down before they actually realised they were a good team, a Premiership team. Well tonight they’ve managed to get their first away win of the season, away at Anfield.

Liverpool 0-1 Wolves. Suddenly we can win away from home, and not just anywhere but at Anfield. Now we shouldn’t fear anyone away from home. Having already played Chelsea, Spurs and Man U away from home we’ve only got a trip to Man City and Arsenal this season where we will be expected to lose, but fuck it we can win now, we know we can, or at least get a point in each game. OK Liverpool isn’t the team it used to be but they’re not a bad side. They really aint.

We needed it; it takes us off the bottom which isn’t a place anyone wants to be. It also sets us up nicely for an away day at West Ham… the team beneath us. We’ve got to get the points there now, and this away win will do nothing but boost confidence away from home. I feel we deserve a break because of how well we’ve actually played this season with fuck all to show for it. And no I’m not getting giddy simply because we have won, I’m just glad that we are actually getting a result that reflects our football on the night.

Wolves and Mick McCarthy should be proud of tonight’s result. No one gave us a chance. We can beat anyone on the day when we really try, and I think we can stay up this season too. In fact I stake my reputation on it right now. We will stay up, but being Wolves we’ll make hard fucking work of it too. But Wolves fans – never stop believing.

Up The Wolves!


New Years Resolutions Hiding to nothing.

In November I gave up smoking. I’ve never been much of a smoker to be honest. Cigarettes have always been something I just ripped up and rolled with the herb back when I was in my early twenties but I found 2010 to be my year of the cigar or at least the Hamlet miniature. I’m glad that I just stopped when I did and didn’t kid myself that I was going to do it as one of my 2011 New Year resolutions. New years resolutions are the promises we make to ourselves when we are drunk over Xmas-time that seems good in theory, hell – they are good in theory. What could be better than saying to yourself on the 28th of December as you sit amongst piles of food and drink and are lying on a sofa, ‘it all ends in about five days; forever and next years will be different.’

“…what Turkey, stuffing, roasted spuds, gravy, onion sauce, vegetables… they’re ok but, trifle, alcohol, more stuffing, mince pies, sherry, inexplicably more gravy, more spuds, more everything… oh go on then I’ll be jogging round the park in the morning, that’ll sort it all out!

Jeez what’s the deal? I like food as much as the next guy or at least I do the other fifty one weeks of the year, what’s the deal really? I don’t even believe in Jesus. Why am I buying gifts, eating and drinking in his name as well as putting up a tree in my house? A fucking tree! In my living room, next to the fire no less. Is that right, or good or even sensible? What is the deal with Xmas? Xmas and New Year. Well the new years resolutions.

Xmas and New Year are too close to each other. They intertwine and amalgamate into a gestalt holiday where we go to excess with everything at Xmas whilst telling ourselves at New Year that it’s all going to end. It makes no sense. No sooner have we got a taste for twelve meals a day that we tell ourselves we are having a sensible balanced meal once a day in between the fibre and oat and vitamin bars. It’s all so confusing, so hard to do and really just bollocks.

Then we are expected to stop eating altogether, stop smoking, start writing, dancing, taking the dog for walks, cutting the grass more often, getting a new job, and generally being more successful and happy because it’s January the fucking first.

No wonder most people fail; it’s the wrong idea at the wrong time. Putting down the fork and the smokes and donning the “good intention” helmet at a time of dark nights, snow, wind, rain, cold, and returning to a normal routine after a fortnight sat on your arse eating and drinking whilst watching ET and Toy Story for the thirteenth time, is a recipe for failure.

So instead of new years resolutions how about this… you just get on with things and understand if you are serious about getting fit, losing weight, writing a book, learning to dance etc, etc, you’ll do it or you’d have done it by now.

Now fuck off, the Eastenders Omnibus is on BBC1 and you’ve still got a King Size Dairy Milk and some Quality Street to polish off.

“Science” – Not a lot of science but plenty of laughs.

Again Ricky Gervais has come up with a stand up show that is funny as hell. I have to admit that as a fan of his work I am biased but putting enough of that bias aside I can say that this is probably his best stand up show of the lot so far. He really has grown into the role of stand up and now he owns the stage and the attention of all who watch him. From his opening gags about the elephant man and about Michael Jackson having the only good excuse for cancelling a gig you’re warmed up nicely for the harsher and edgier gags later in the show. Plenty of atheism in this show too, insurance companies & acts of God, and the story of Noah given the going over that they truly deserve, I must say his atheist material is pretty strong in this show and really stands up aside other atheist comedians like George Carlin.

Again in the middle of a story about going to a Ken Dodd gig he meanders off on a tangent as he often does about eating, weight and fat people and again is on the money. Not having a go at fat people but tearing apart the arguments used by fat people for being fat and how people argue that being overweight is like being gay, when of course it’s not. His observational skills are about as good as any stand up comedian working today.

If you get the chance watch it especially if you’ve enjoyed any of his other stand up, it’s only an hour and twenty minutes long. I think it’s on YouTube, although of course it shouldn’t be. You can always buy the DVD and get the bonus footage with Karl Pilkington, Warwick Davies and Larry David.

It also turns out Ricky Gervais is going to appear in Series 8 of Curb Your Enthusiasm, can’t wait to see that episode.

Good riddance to 2010.

Good riddance to 2010.

This year has been a pretty awful year. Some truly awful things have happened:

  • An Earthquake in Haiti killed 200,000 people and is in the Guinness book of records as the 6th most deadliest in human history… wow, can’t wait for that record to fall! Just kidding California!
  • An Icelandic Volcano brought the airspace over most of the Northern Hemisphere to a standstill and ironically spewed more CO2 into the atmosphere than the tens of thousands of flights that never took off during its eruption. I love irony.
  • The recession and credit crunch continued to…. Hang on… is it just me or are employers just using this sound-bite to justify pay freezes and general bah-humbug-ness behaviour? Fuck the recession!
  • The Conservatives got control of the UK parliament due to help from the Liberal Democrats. Thankfully the cracks have started to show and the imminent collapse of the administration is only around the corner. Yay! More elections in 2011 I predict.
  • I got a year older but not a year wiser, instead choosing to drink and smoke myself towards that moment when I’ll stop getting older. Scary thought, but who cares. Fitness freaks die eventually, or they get shot by fat bastards like me.
  • BP spilled 4.9 million barrels of oil over 4 months into the Gulf of Mexico. 13 people actually died but that statistic was soon lost by the news media more bothered about share prices, compensation and a few seagulls and crayfish getting killed too.
  • North Korea bombed a South Korean island. If North Korea wants to become a baron landscape devoid of anything apart from radiation they should keep it up. Look out North Korea the yanks are coming! It’ll be less like World War Three and more like Nagasaki Two. (That is a late result by the way pools coupon players)!
  • England’s football team looked like c*nts at the world cup. I don’t need to say anymore.

But amongst the tragedy, the disappointment and the despair we have had the pleasure of seeing a group of Chilean minors dragged after months from the depths of a collapsed mine into a world of celebrity, riches and more. Good luck to them. That is the second best moment of the year. The best moment of the year (for me) was seeing Wolves stay in the Premiership. That’ll do for me and if we have to see earthquakes, volcanoes, oil spills and Korean war to secure that status again for next season, then so be it!


4×4 Drivers in the snow, got grip? Get a grip!

What is the deal with people who own 4×4’s? We’re having some really shitty weather at the moment in England and getting too and from work or the supermarket is really a hell of a lot more effort than I’d care to make. Add to the mix the Xmas shopping that needs to be done and the Xmas shoppers who are all over the place, mainly in the way, being all smiley and festive… go away. I can be festive at home; I’m not going to smile at strangers in a twenty eight person queue in Debenhams especially when I’m twenty eighth in the queue. But I digress…

What is the deal with the 4×4 owners who wanna drive up your arse as you gently trundle through slush and ice and sleet on the road ahead of you. Is your penis so small or your fanny so wide that you have to make up for these unfortunate genital situations by being a massive wanker on the road? I dunno what law was passed or who died and made you kings and queens of the highways of this country. The last time I looked we all had a responsibility to drive carefully and sensibly at all times – especially when the weather is as cold and arctic as it is right now. Just because you can grip the road better than other drivers doesn’t mean you should try and run people off the road so you can get home to your ready meal for one and a night of masturbating. Have some care and consideration and console your mangina with the fact that you, as 4×4 owners, aren’t going to skid off the road into pedestrians or buildings or fast flowing ice cold rivers. Not everyone who has a vehicle and needs to travel drives a 4×4. Get a fucking grip ass-holes. Also, it’s easy to be big men hiding inside your giant monstrosities of vehicles, but how about you get out and take my fist into your nose and then come back at me… you a big enough man for that? I doubt it, and I bet all of this cold weather really is playing havoc with your already tiny member.

And what’s the deal with people who play top trumps with the weather? How often do you say casually to make conversation, “Aint the weather bad, it was -4 last night in my garden and we had 4 inches of snow” and some arse-wipe has to come back with “Yeah, well it was -27 and twelve inches of snow in my garden and I had to drive eighteen thousand million billion miles to get to work and I was still early!” Fuck off. Nobody cares… or at least I don’t care. I’m being polite when I talk about the weather, don’t be so competitive or threatened by me. It’s just niceties.

Just get a grip and understand this, driving a 4×4 in the snow, or being the biggest winter travelling martyr means nothing to no-one. When you’re driving a Bentley to collect your Nobel prize I’ll take notice, until then go and find yourself a nice soggy ditch to skid into and spend a cold winter night.

Fucking morons.

Stay safe everyone. Take care.

Doctors Scare The Crap Outta Me!

Isn’t it amazing how we can live in ignorance. Take me for example. Anyone who watches me on Youtube knows that I drink a lot and that I smoke cigars from time to time. I know that these two things combined with my not so great diet of pies, pasties and cheese are doing me no good. I’m not an old guy, I’m the grand young age of thirty-two, but my metabolism isn’t what it was when I was eighteen so it’s hard work for my body to deal with all of this crap I keep giving it. Plus when added to the mix my lack of regular physical exercise and a sleeping pattern that wouldn’t be out of place in Guantanamo bay you’d expect me to know that I’m not a healthy guy. But I kid myself I’m fine because I don’t have diabetes or any other diagnosed illnesses; well it’s time for me to wake up.

I went to the doctors on Friday night, feeling a bit under the weather, he wasn’t interested in that. He was more interested in everything else. Of course not one to lie to a doctor I told him exactly what I smoked, ate and drank and he almost fainted. A blood pressure check later and I’m now being sent for blood tests to check out my urea levels, bone structure, liver function and cholesterol. That is a lot of things! But I’m assured by everyone that this is routine… I just hope they all come back OK. I suppose knowing is half of the battle, but this little scare (at least that’s all I hope it is at the moment) is enough to wake me up, and change my ways.

The smoking… gone. I’d already stopped for about three weeks anyway but now I gotta stop for ever. The alcohol has gotta come down, from a weekly average of about sixty-five units, down to about five or ten. I’m gonna have a glass of red wine each night after tea (then alcohol can actually help your heart!) I’ve already drawn up a new eating regime, done some research online, I’m gonna get fit. Although it’ll be tough as I work with a bunch of chocolate, pastry and protein munching alcoholics. (Just kidding!)

As for YouTube, I’ll have to try and find another muse to get me in front of the camera cus it can’t and won’t be alcohol anymore. Maybe you’ll all like the sober me much, much better. I hope so. Anyway, adios for now and if I don’t see you to speak to in the meantime have a Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year.

See you later peeps.