My End of Season Run-In Predictions: Number 1

The first of my predictions was a draw at Villa, but we went and won. An away game and a local derby and we got all three points. It’s nice to be wrong in this case. I really expected a draw but looking at Villa’s back line they are in some serious trouble and it’s worth a quid of anyone’s money to back them for relegation at this stage in the season. Congratulations to Matt Jarvis for slamming the goal in it was a tremendous strike and a worthy winner. Also congratulations to Jarvo for his call up to this weeks England squad to face Wales and Ghana. I hope he gets a run out in both matches. I dunno Fabio’s plans but it would be nice to see him start. It would be awesome if he could get on the score sheet should he get on the pitch too. He’s deserved this call up all season he really should have been in the squad sooner in my opinion.


Comic Relief 2011

I could make myself sound like a massive, shit-encrusted-dildo-sucking prick with this blog post and that is not my intention.  I love Comic Relief and the money it raises makes a huge difference. I give to Comic Relief every year without fail, well at least since I grew a social conscience thanks to my girlfriend always pointing out the true fact that the world isn’t here for my entertainment and I should be lucky I’m not living in a mud hut, dying of AIDS and sweeping dust off grains of sand so I can eat before my ten mile walk to the watering hole (I told her I’d dig a well or just move – check and mate! I think she punched me, but not in the face – I begged.)

Anyway, I see this year that a group of celebrities (They being: Lorraine Kelly, Scott Mills, Kara Tointon, Olly Murs, Ronni Ancona, Dermot O’Leary, Peter White – the only reason to give cash t o this trek. Peter is blind and deserves every praise for this. Africa is full of awfully dangerous wildlife and doing this walk is a massive challenge and I totally respect him for doing it. He’s a greater man than I, times a million. Much love and respect to you Peter, I cannot hold a candle to you mate. Nadia Sawalha, Craig David) have decided to walk across a desert in Kenya to raise cash. Good for them, it’ll certainly raise a lot of cash and make a difference, that’s what it’s all about.

How much will they raise? £1m, maybe £2m. An awesome amount of cash, how much does Comic Relief make on average each year – £50m, £60m? According to Wikipedia they made £80m in 2009. That is unbelievable… but that is still £78m raised by people not going out into a country that when you walk anywhere you have to know the protocol. This is the protocol for fighting off a camel spider, and if you see a viper run away like a whiney little scared bitch – how good is that advice to a blind man, Jesus! (Yeah I was watching BBC1 tonight).

But that £78m, that’s people sitting in baths filled with baked beans, doing car boot sales, wearing an X-Men costume to the bank and pestering all of those stuffy, boring bank colleagues to hand over some dosh into your B&Q bucket, it’s people texting and phoning in with credit cards, it’s you and me… and we earn £78m sitting in front of Corrie with a pizza and a beer and make shed loads more cash than the celebs risking life and limb in Africa.

That bunch of celebs would make just as much cash if they stayed in London and filmed a really hard-core, gangbang movie. How many people would want to see Craig David getting all jiggy with Lorraine Kelly, everyone wants to see Kara Tointon in a porno, and it would be nice to see Scott Mills banging Ronni Ancona  from behind shouting “Tell me how much you like this you impressionist… in the style of Vicky Beckham.” And then of course she can do her usual scrunched up face and go “Oh David!” That DVD would make millions, MILLIONS! Not £2m but probably £10m…. come on it’s for charity!

We see so many celebs doing these things “for charity” and all they are doing is gaining a high profile in a high profile charity event. I know it doesn’t matter, if they are making money roll in what’s the harm. But if they are using it to further their careers is it really a genuine charitable experience for them? I suppose they raise cash as they raise DVD and record sales.

This summer I look forward to a celeb gang-bang charity movie, but instead I expect we’ll see Olly Murs Singles, Dermot O’leary in “Hello Magazine” talking about cracking the states and Craig David’s new album.


Now for the serious part…. Comic Relief raises cash for people who are less fortunate than you. YES YOU! If you’re reading this you have the internet… or an iPhone… either way you can afford a quid. Send them your money now it’s good to be good and we can all make a difference when we try. I’m pretty sure that the BBC guarantees that not a single penny you donate will go to Scott Mills.

Congrats to the Comic Relief Celebs for raising so much cash walking across Kenya. You really are mental for not having a charity whist drive.

Now click here, give generously.

A completely absurd and odd story.

Have a read of this article: “Pervert caught pleasuring himself in slurry for 3rd time

What do you think? Clearly the man is mentally ill and needs help but also needs to be locked away for making that families life a misery. But the most interesting part of the whole story is this line: “in a large amount of slurry and mud, in a quagmire, surrounded by tissues.” Why on Earth would he need tissues? He’s covered head to foot in slurry and mud, is he really worried about getting a teaspoon full of ejaculate onto himself or his clothes. Is he really walking home after an evening spent masturbating and bumping into a mate and having the following conversation?

“Alright Dave, how are you?”

“I’m fine mate, just fine.”

“Great, you’re looking well….. er Dave.”


“You’ve got something on your t-shirt mate.”

“Yeah it’s mud, I’m covered in it head to foot.”

“Are you? I hadn’t noticed that, my eyes were drawn to that tiny deposit of jizz… jeez mate that’s disgusting!”

“Oh my God, is my face red, I’m so embarrassed, next time I must remember to take some tissues!”

So my point is, if you’re going to wank yourself stupid in a field full of mud and slurry you’re probably safe to jizz all over yourself too. No one is going to judge you on that minor detail, after all you’re already a complete fucking wacko in the first place aint ya?

He’s also been known to masturbate in the muck spreader, talk about taking things too literally aye? What a bizarre man and a crazy story.

My end of season run in predictions.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times and by that I mean the winter is behind us but it’s that time of the season again when we start to count the games, add up the points and see where the hell we might finish. At the moment Wolves are 19th with 29 points from 29 games. We’ve had the highs of beating some of the countries (nay Europe’s) finest teams and the lows of losing to Blackpool and West Ham. It’s been a roller-coaster of a season and at the bottom of the league there are eight or nine teams that can still realistically go down. I can’t ever remember a season like it where it was so open. But who are likely to go down? The run in suggests Wolves can get the points they need to stay up having played all of the top six teams twice already but as we all know that doesn’t amount to a fat lot of anything. Some people are saying that forty points will be enough to stay up but I’d aim as high as possible. We have twenty seven points to play for between now and May the fourteenth and we need to grab as many as we can, I’d assume that forty two or forty three would probably be enough meaning we need between eleven and fourteen points from our remaining games. My predictions are:

Villa away – playing as well as we have we can get a point from this but our away form is poor. As it’s only up the road and a local derby anything can happen. We gave them a good game at Molineux and were unlucky not to win. I’m still getting over the fact that Emile Heskey managed to score with his fifty pence head. 1 POINT.

Newcastle away – Newcastle have lost more league games than they have won at home so far this season. They are jittery at home but still a very good side and they’ve scored lots of goals. The trip to the north east is a long and arduous one too and we might struggle. Again I’d go for 1 POINT.

Everton home – Only three wins so far all season on the road for Everton, and with Wolves playing in front of the old gold and black army with seven wins at home this league season (including Man City, Man Utd and Chelsea) I think we can take maximum points against what is the best team we have left to play this season, apart from maybe Sunderland. 3 POINTS.

Stoke away – A local derby of sorts, away at Stoke is always a hard fixture. This could be a banana skin for us. Our away form has been dodgy all season (apart from when we won at Anfield of course) I think we might struggle I’d hope for a point, wish for a win, but I’m going to say we’ll lose this one. 0 POINTS. (Sorry Wolves fans, I hope beyond hope we don’t!)

Fulham home – Like Wolves they (so far) have only one win on the road. They are hard to beat though too being the draw experts on their travels. But I fancy a rout here and we can stick three or four past them at Molineux. 3 POINTS.

Birmingham away – At this point in the season it’ll come down to league positions and passion. If both sides are outside the relegation zone, being a local derby, I’d say a draw. If it’s a game that we both need to win who knows what the hell might happen. I’m going to go for a draw. 1 POINT.

West Brom home – Forget form, it’s hard to see anything other than 3 POINTS. We’ve gotta win, we owe them for their last minute bollocks at the Hawthorns.

Sunderland away – We’ll probably lose this. Hopefully by now Sunderland’s position in the league will be virtually guaranteed so win lose or draw they’ll know the outcome of their season and the prize money their league position brings. I’d hope, as they will more than likely have nowt to play for, they’ll let something slip but the lack of pressure they’ll probably be feeling when safe and assured seventh or eighth spot they might just turn on some style. 0 POINTS.

Blackburn home – It could all come down to this. If we need a win to stay up; with the passion the players have shown all season and the home crowd behind them; they’ll get the result. 3 POINTS.

So based on my predictions, that’s 15 points from the last 9 games giving us a final points tally of 44 from 39 games. Might be wishful thinking to lose just 2 out of 9. I guess time will tell on that front.


Update: Aiming to be a winner like Charlie “The Winner” Sheen.

In a previous post I asked the question, Can I do something rather than talk about it? Well I’m trying. I’m trying to find out what the hell it is I want to do or achieve. What brings happiness? I know it’s not money or the pursuit of it because I’ve spent the last ten years trying to make money and have failed and making it my God has brought me nothing but misery. Wanting money, working for money but never having any money is what life is like for everyone and wanting more than I need is just greedy. I’m never going to win the lottery, the pools or place a £2 bet on 6 horse races and win £1.45m like that jammy git the other day. I have little inspiration these days when it comes to writing prose, but I often have the odd idea for comedy sketches, so I’m going to run with these ideas for a while, chat to a few people who have got in touch about writing and video making and see where it goes. I’m not going to expect anything to come from any of this, but like I said before I’ve got nothing to lose by trying and at least then I’ll know. Now back to the writing.