The internet – it’s a full time job.

Anyone who has used the internet extensively and cultivated hobbies such as writing, video making, blogging or gaming will agree with me when I say that the internet is now a non-paying full time job for many. I have a proper, boring, ordinary 9-5 Monday to Friday job to pay the bills but the full time job I really enjoy is the internet, you know the one that takes up at least another forty hours a week and pays zip!

I’ve e-volved (see what I did there?) to a place now where I actually start to feel angry when my real job becomes busy… because it interferes with me reading a blog or retweeting a witty comment. How can my employers sit me at a desk with a computer that has unrestrictred internet access and expect me to work hard and do what I’m paid to do? What are they thinking? I’m far too busy tweeting, blogging, vlogging, writing and checking personal emails to answer the phone and talk to some asshole who will only end up making me work.

Am I the only person who has become like this or do any of you guys too feel that the internet has got a hold over you? Do you feel lonely or depressed when you’re deprived of internet access? I know I do. On another note, if my job wasn’t so mind numbingly tedious and boring I might actually want to do it. That’s worth taking into account too. But it pays the bills, you know, the cable internet bill, and that’s all that matters.

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Gunman on the hillock (aka What the fuck is a knoll?)

Anyone heard of a grassy knoll that wasn’t in Dealey plaza?

A simple search for Knoll on Wikipedia tells me that it’s a small, sloping, natural hill, or hillock. So by its nature it’s grassy. So why is the hillock in Dealey plaza described as a grassy knoll and not a knoll or simply a hillock?

Have you ever heard anyone anywhere ever mention a knoll or a grassy knoll when describing the terrain of anywhere or nowhere in particular?

If it wasn’t for JFK’s assassination I’d never have heard of the word knoll. I was aware of the word hillock but still I cannot understand why the knoll in Dealey plaza is a grassy one. Surely a grassy knoll is a description like “fat fatty” it’s kinda over explaining and emphasising the fat, or in the case of the knoll, the grass.

I just wanna know, why is the knoll in Dealey plaza a grassy one… am I just being thick or what?

Manchester arse rapes North London.

Today’s football has been amazing, the results are completely unbelievable. We all expected Man Utd and Man Ciy to beat Arsenal and Spurs but by such margins? I think this is a sign of things to come and reinforces my belief that Manchester’s two teams are going to dominate the domestic season. Man Utd’s 8-2 drubbing of Arsenal was unexpected. According to MOTD2 tonight it’s the first time Arsenal has conceded 8 since 1896 and that I believe. I’ve never seen an Arsenal team look so shoddy and, yes, they had injuries and suspensions but fucking hell Wenger, get a game plan, get eleven men who can play together away from home in a defensive manner. You were always up against it, but to concede 8. Shocking. It was nice to see Fergie be magnanimous when talking about Wenger and Arsenal but it’s easy to be magnanimous when you’ve just won 8-2.

Then we have Man City, going to White Hart Lane and after a slow first half hour banging in four goals for fun before allowing Spurs to nick one back and then going and pinching a fifth for good measure. Man City looked awesome. Their passing and holding of the ball looked tidy and the movement off the ball by players was great to watch. It’s also nice to see such a great team with an old Wolves favourite, Lescott, in it. A great player, I wish we still had him. He’d be superb with Roger Johnson at the back, maybe we’ll get to see that centre half combo for England in coming months and years. With the latest England team about to be announced I’d not be surprised to see Johnson and Matty Jarvis back in the international frame.

I was glad that yesterday Wolves kept another clean sheet and stayed unbeaten with a 0-0 at Villa Park. It would have been nice to have taken all 3 points. But we’d have all taken 7 points from the first 3 games at the start of the season so we shouldn’t complain. After today’s 5-1 arse raping by Man City I say “Bring on Spurs at Molineux!”

They’ve got two weeks to sit on that result and we’re playing well, 3 clean sheets out of four. I fancy us to get something, COME ON WOLVES!

Blog neglect, with malice aforethought. (aka I was doing other stuff)

I’ve really wanted to sit and write a blog post this week about so many things and I haven’t had time, why? I ripped up the floor in my bedroom, I NEED HELP!! But now everything is repaired and back to normal (apart from the voices and the flashbacks and the constant urge to be pissed) I’m skint, but my floor won’t be getting ripped up again soon. Not unless a nuclear blast hits it. I’ve kinda made sure of that with my OCD over egging the pudding-ness when it came to repairs. Again, I NEED HELP!!

I wanted to write a blog about Wolves first home win and a clean sheet as a follow on to my previous Wolves posting, because we won and kept a clean sheet. We then go away to Northampton and with changes afoot win 4-0 away. I’ve missed the boat on these games and cannot really comment with any real authority or knowledge. I didn’t go, and only heard bits of the league cup game on BBC WM.

I wanted to blog about important issues such as animal welfare and drink driving, and I also wanted to ask you guys “JFK assassination apart, have you ever heard of a grassy knoll?”

Maybe I’ll touch those subjects soon, but for now, goodbye.

The Ten Commandments: How Many of These Have You Broken? (Another response to Ricky Gervais)

Ricky Gervais has already started one debate, now I’m answering another one. This is a very, very late response to his Easter blog post. (Yes I am fishing with the same worm and milking that desiccated cow that sent me so much blog traffic… again! Bear with me folks, I’m sure I’ll be doing a “Life’s Too Short” and “Idiot Abroad 2” reviews too. Although as a big fan I might be biased.)

You shall have no Gods before me.

God I don’t have any faith in you anyway, so I have no other Gods either. Don’t feel like I’m treating you like a cuckold, I’m not sneaking around with other Gods and as you are everywhere and in all things I’m guessing you already know that.

You shall not make for yourself a carved image – any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

I once built and animated a lorry out of Lego for Youtube, I didn’t worship it though. To be honest God I can’t remember the last time I carved anything that wasn’t baked poultry.

You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.

The only thing I take in vein is Smack (a comedy career doesn’t beckon!). I hope I haven’t misinterpreted this ludicrous commandment. Oh by the way God I stepped on a plug and shouted Jesus Fucking Wept, and as Ricky explains that’s OK, plus I’m guessing the poor fucker did cry as Romans nailed his hands onto timber.

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

I do God. I’m a busy man all week long. If it wasn’t for lazy Sundays in bed I’d never get any holey!

Honour your father and mother.

Irrelevant. They are either good parents or bad so you’ll honour them, or think them dicks. I always got on well with my parents. Sadly they have both passed away, I loved them and respected them, honour isn’t the right word to describe it though.

You shall not murder.

As long as you don’t count slugs, snails, ants and wasps, I’m in the clear.

You shall not commit adultery.

Never have, never will. Although looking back through the years, does it count if I’m single and unmarried but the woman I’m banging has a husband? Surely I’m in the clear for that too?

You shall not steal.

Paperclips, pens, envelopes, A4 paper from work have sometimes been used for my personal circumstances, but I avoid actively lifting them and taking them home without getting permission from someone.  Cash, cars, post office trains and looted TV sets I try to avoid being honest. I wouldn’t want to be robbed so I choose not to rob from others.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

As best as I can I avoid neighbours at all costs. Gossip and bullshit isn’t my thing really and that’s all the old folks around here want to talk about. No false witness from me… I know they are all mithering, dithering fuckwits, it’s not lies or false witness.

You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbours.

I live in a semi detached house that is essentially a mirror image of my neighbours house. OK he has converted his attic and I aint, but as far as I can see that’s less housework for me. I’m interested to find out that he might have a male and/or female servant. Sounds to me like these commandments are ever so slightly irrelevant. As for coveting his wife; I’d rather fuck the gearbox of a Massey Ferguson tractor as the driver changed gear without the clutch.

What’s gold and black and pisses on your bonfire? THE WOLVES! (2011-12 begins)

Thank fuck the season is here. It’ll give me a reason to turn the telly on again cus fuck me its turgid bollocks aint it? Where are the quality TV shows, the Ricky Gervais productions, the new series of Red Dwarf, the Stephen King made for TV movies and the gangster flicks, that I like to watch. ‘Crime and Investigation channel’ is all as well, but I don’t care about or believe ‘psychic detectives.’ Years ago if you knew about the last moments of a murder victims life you were a suspect, now you’re a fucking psychic, whoopee fucking do!

But to avoid a ranting tangent, I’m happy as fuck Wolves beat Blackburn. I don’t care we played them last game of last season or that they beat us. Last season is over, we stayed up regardless. It’s nice to begin with a win, the first win is important and it’s out of the way. As is the first away win and the first game we win where we came from behind. Great to get these things out of the way so early. Next week against Fulham at Molineux I hope we can get our first home win and our first clean sheet and then the pundits really will have little to talk about won’t they? Getting all of these hurdles out of the way isn’t important to the club or the fans, but it is to the media and the ‘experts’ who have these things to talk about.

I feel this season is going to be a decent one and by that I mean 14th or 15th place. I really feel we can avoid the bottom three most of the season and hang out in those sorts of places, with the odd 10th or 12th place thrown in for jolly. I hope I’m wrong and we finish 8th but like everyone else I’ll take staying up, some good results and a respectable position in the table come May 2012.

Good start Mick and the boys, I wish you all the best for the season ahead.

WE ARE WOLVES!