Ricky Gervais has already started one debate, now I’m answering another one. This is a very, very late response to his Easter blog post. (Yes I am fishing with the same worm and milking that desiccated cow that sent me so much blog traffic… again! Bear with me folks, I’m sure I’ll be doing a “Life’s Too Short” and “Idiot Abroad 2” reviews too. Although as a big fan I might be biased.)
You shall have no Gods before me.
God I don’t have any faith in you anyway, so I have no other Gods either. Don’t feel like I’m treating you like a cuckold, I’m not sneaking around with other Gods and as you are everywhere and in all things I’m guessing you already know that.
You shall not make for yourself a carved image – any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.
I once built and animated a lorry out of Lego for Youtube, I didn’t worship it though. To be honest God I can’t remember the last time I carved anything that wasn’t baked poultry.
You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
The only thing I take in vein is Smack (a comedy career doesn’t beckon!). I hope I haven’t misinterpreted this ludicrous commandment. Oh by the way God I stepped on a plug and shouted Jesus Fucking Wept, and as Ricky explains that’s OK, plus I’m guessing the poor fucker did cry as Romans nailed his hands onto timber.
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
I do God. I’m a busy man all week long. If it wasn’t for lazy Sundays in bed I’d never get any holey!
Honour your father and mother.
Irrelevant. They are either good parents or bad so you’ll honour them, or think them dicks. I always got on well with my parents. Sadly they have both passed away, I loved them and respected them, honour isn’t the right word to describe it though.
You shall not murder.
As long as you don’t count slugs, snails, ants and wasps, I’m in the clear.
You shall not commit adultery.
Never have, never will. Although looking back through the years, does it count if I’m single and unmarried but the woman I’m banging has a husband? Surely I’m in the clear for that too?
You shall not steal.
Paperclips, pens, envelopes, A4 paper from work have sometimes been used for my personal circumstances, but I avoid actively lifting them and taking them home without getting permission from someone. Cash, cars, post office trains and looted TV sets I try to avoid being honest. I wouldn’t want to be robbed so I choose not to rob from others.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.
As best as I can I avoid neighbours at all costs. Gossip and bullshit isn’t my thing really and that’s all the old folks around here want to talk about. No false witness from me… I know they are all mithering, dithering fuckwits, it’s not lies or false witness.
You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbours.
I live in a semi detached house that is essentially a mirror image of my neighbours house. OK he has converted his attic and I aint, but as far as I can see that’s less housework for me. I’m interested to find out that he might have a male and/or female servant. Sounds to me like these commandments are ever so slightly irrelevant. As for coveting his wife; I’d rather fuck the gearbox of a Massey Ferguson tractor as the driver changed gear without the clutch.