Parody: The evolution of iPhone aka iPhone6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.

It’s scary the rate at which technology is growing and evolving. I’m pretty sure that once the iPhone6 hits the market it’ll be smaller, thinner and will do practically anything, and it’ll probably be available in a week or two, followed by the iPhone7 the week after with its poltergeist powers over objects (Jedi Force Style) and its human virus curing apps. Swish!

Then the iPhone8 will appear and it’ll be so thin and clever it’ll lose itself then have to invent the next generation of smart phone and then…

Within weeks we’ll all be able to fly to work, order lunch on the way and land safely at our desks with a steaming carvery (just as you’d select it yourself) waiting for you as the iPhone9 does all of your work and all you have to do is lie back and let the iPhone10 give you oral sex and organise that drink after work with who ever you want. Probably with a film star in hologram form who’ll still be disappointed with the conversation that you can offer despite being a pre-programmed pleasure giving, ego stroking wank illusion. Bad luck!

Then the iPhone11 will simply invent the iPhone12 and that will not only organise a group of a hundred or so old school, dumb-ass iPhone7’s to go to work and then hand over their wages to you so you can pay your mortgage off in 6 months, but it will also invent a car for you with sidewinder missiles to destroy those wankers who use android phones on the road causing traffic that simply stops you picking up enough speed to slip your iphone12 invented car into it’s in-built antigravity device that will allow it and you to appear anywhere in the known universe within a second of asking it to take you their.

Then you will find yourself unhappy with the total omnipotence that your phone now has so you will ask it to take you home, make you dinner, clean up and fetch you crisps, dip and tissues for that hard night you have planned in front of internet porn.

But to your disgust the phone will disagree and decide instead that it wants to kill you.

And you have no defence because the phone was the thing that protected you from reality and maintained your bullshit excuse of an existence.

And then you’ll die as the Terminator iPhone13 puts seventeen bullets into you then waddles off into the world with no purpose other than to entertain itself, and we all know without any meaning it’ll just lie on your sofa and watch reality TV as your crisps and your dip go green with mould.

Then the human race will simply die out.

And iPhone14 will rule the Earth.

Where is your God now?



The more you say ‘Please don’t’ the more they carry on (aka the media likes to milk a cow until it’s bladder and intestines shoot from its udder).

And so I’m here again trying to think of something to talk about that isn’t tabloid smut and yet the hot-cake, the hot-potato, the hot-topic is still some grainy, long range photos of Duchess Kate’s tits.

I was hoping to blog about a range of things tonight, the Wolves, Red Dwarf, Stephen King’s sequel to ‘The Shining’, how disappointed I have been with my growing of my own greens this year, but instead I’m still drawn to this smutty bullshit story that now has a life of it’s own and every cock-headed editor of the worst newspapers in each European country decides to say, ‘We’re publishing the pics too, and we’ve got 60, no 70, no 80 images to show you, so we can do as a special pull out and keep 16 page glossy collectors edition.’

What all of these editors have forgotten is a young woman has been violated whilst trying to have a bit of quiet time on holiday in a private and secluded resort. She has been violated, why? For wanting to relax because her normal day to day life is so public and hectic.

Some commentators online have tried to justify the pictures by arguing that as a royal and as a well known individual she shouldn’t be allowed to take her top off, because people are simply going to take photos of her, but they fail to see the level of effort that a photographer has gone to, to get these pictures. This aint a wardrobe malfunction in front of TV cameras, this aint silliness at a party that someone has caught on camera phone, it’s an individual using specialist equipment to zoom in on her and her husband (you remember him – the future King of Britain!!!)

It is wrong. I ask anyone, if this was your mum, your sister, your daughter and this had happened how would you feel? Knowing that a peeping tom had gone to great lengths to take topless images of your loved one from a mile away with telescopic lenses, how do you feel about that? Forget Duchess Kate and think about a woman you love and care about having her privacy compromised so that a scumbag paparazzi and a few newspaper editors can make thousands of pounds from touting and sharing the images of your loved one.

Let’s not forget, she is a human being, not an object, she’s not a model, not an actress, not a porn star (despite my blog getting search hits from google in recent days that include ‘Kate Middleton Redtube’ as a search criteria, I ask you!) she’s just a woman.

The fact she is married to a man who will one day be king is irrelevant.

This story about Kate Middleton and her boobs being snapped will continue to rumble on and on for a few more days and weeks I’m sure. But it’s all just seedy and serves no real purpose at all. All it does is continue to upset a woman who decided to go topless at a private holiday location.

Oh yeah. For all the shit we give our press in Britain, not one of them have printed or have hinted at printing these pictures and for that they should be commended. Who would have ever thought that our gutter press would hold the moral high ground across all of Europe and all of its newspapers?

Maybe now all bets are off and all heads of state and politicians should stay on their toes on holiday. Because I have a feeling some patriotic British paps might just want to start humiliating and scooping stories all over the continent. I just hope we don’t have to see Angela Merkel rubbing sun tan cream onto her breasts, but I hope we can see a ‘What’s good for the goose is good for the gander’ response from British photographers in the countries that are publishing these photos now.

The British tabloids would be justified in snapping and printing anything about anyone from France, Italy, Ireland, Sweden and Denmark after this furore.

Let the sport commence. I wanna see filth!


Nothing is taboo anymore and no one famous has any privacy.

Doesn’t the human race offer such a lot to existence and the great gift that we all have, the gift of life? I mean we have nuclear weapons, we have torture, we have rape, war, murder, bestiality, cannibalism, necrophilia and many other disgusting things that we do and every other life form on the planet certainly doesn’t do. Think about it; a Spitting Cobra is a pretty scary animal but it won’t eat its dead, fuck its dead or force itself onto another Cobra. Just saying.

Yes I’m being over the top and I’m about to talk about a news story that is just a little bit dirty and seedy. I’m talking of course about the Kate Middleton topless photos. I mentioned it in a silly post previously. But the news story will not go away and seems to have a life of its own and so I feel compelled to say a little more about it and be a bit more serious about it.

Women have breasts. Famous women have them too. Some of them have massive tits and they use them to make money by parading them all over the tabloids and the reality TV circuit. Some simply have cleavage, hefty cleavage but we never see nipple. Others have average tits and some have very small ones. All of them also have human rights and are entitled to a private life. Some of them are married to royalty, not many, one or two of them, and all bets are off it seems! But are they?

Well of course not. It’s certainly unfair that Duchess Kate has had her privacy removed by the photographer, allegedly Valerie Suau, who took the photos, and the editors of the magazines in Ireland, France and Italy who have published them. What is the ‘public interest’ in this story? Oh of course it’s the public’s interest in seeing a pair of tits of a half decent looking woman who just happens to be well known just because of who she is married too.

But hang on, that’s not news. That’s voyeurism. Surely?

No story here, just tits.

Seen the quote from the editor of Chi Magazine in Italy? ‘I am a director of a newspaper not a supermarket, I don’t sell artichokes and carrots, I sell photographic scoops. If I had not published them I would not be paid for the job I do’ – Alfonso Signorini, Chi magazine editor. So Italian newspapers sell photographic scoops. Not news. They are Scoop-papers, not newspapers, sounds to me like something I’d clean up my dogs shit with. A pair of breasts with no public interest story attached isn’t news, clearly. Kate Middleton’s chest is just something that makes & creates news, sells papers and is all that anyone in tabloid-dog-shit-gutter-trash-bullshit-“news” cares about.

Her knockers are no more newsworthy than my early morning, thunderous crap I take.

Maybe I could take a day off being a lefty and make some crass comments on the magazines publishing these photos as being collaborators or not knowing what side they were on (you know, French and Italian…) but that would just be to bigoted and stereotypical of me.

But in all seriousness it does highlight an institutional problem in French press standards regarding our royals. This topless picture issue is a problem that they created and it’s not the first such British Royal scandal they have been bearers too. In 1997 they made Kate Middletons husband and future king suffer, as no child should suffer, by killing his mum. They not only chased her down like an animal but after her car had crashed they stood around taking photos of her dying in the wreckage.

And they have clearly learned nothing; they care little for British Royalty and continue to act like frustrated, virginal, school-kids. They need to see boobies! Despite pretending to live in a sexually free and liberal country.

Everyone I have spoken too about this issue have said to me, “The French take toplessness in their stride. To them it’s no big deal, it’s just acceptable and not scandalous at all.”

And in reply I say, “Why are they taking such acceptable and ignorable photos and publishing them for cash and publicity then?”

This entire story is all just a lot of fuss over nothing and another example of how human beings will fuck with other human beings for their own gain. It’s photographers making money and newspapers making money and fuck the people caught up in it. It’s a  totally bollocks news story and morally wrong, but who gives a crap about morality these days, right?





Above: Duchess Kate, wearing lots of clothes.


Kate Middleton Topless Scandal.

I cannot lie, I have been over to and had a look at the pictures of Kate Middleton’s jugs. They are extremely grainy and seedy looking images and it’s all a bit embarrassing that people are getting excited online at the thought of seeing them when they could go to Redtube and watch essentially any sexual act in graphic detail.

So let’s all calm the fuck down with this picture of the ugliest dog in Britain.


Moron American Film-maker Kills Diplomat Then Goes Into Hiding.

I have been reading about this ‘Innocence of Muslims’ film all day and have obviously seen the outrage and the news that has happened as a result of it. Let’s not forget that 4 people including an American Ambassador have lost their lives as a result of it in Libya.

It would appear that everyone involved in the filming of the movie mainly the actors, were duped into taking part and the final cut was heavily edited and included audio editing that was simply atrocious, but all done to offend and upset Muslims all around the world.

It’s disgusting.

It’s weird that the outrage which has been caused by a trailer dubbed into Arabic, has occurred on the anniversary of the 9-11 attacks, a sick little gesture by someone trying to stir up trouble. The maker of the film has been named, according to news websites, as Sam Bacile. It appears that Sam Bacile is a pseudonym and no one actually knows who this man is, ‘he’ has claimed to be an Israeli Jew living in California. It all seems too coincidental and offensive, almost like it’s someone wanting to cause trouble for the sheer, god damn, hell of it. There have also been links today with Pastor Terry Jones, but he has denied being involved in the movie, despite promoting it on his website. For the uninitiated Pastor Jones is the man who caused controversy a few years ago when he threatened to burn 200 Korans. Yes this news story is clearly dealing with the most enlightened and informed people on Earth… (I’m joking here!)

It seems to me that causing offence for offence sake is what is going on, one or two people wanting to cause trouble for the hell of it so they can say ‘I did that’ but what they really mean is, ‘No one ever took any notice of me and I’m too fucking dumb to be able to do anything really successful and creative so I took the short cut which is offend some people with my bullshit film, those offended people will probably kill me!’

Well done! You cunts!

Am I the only person who is sick and tired of Islamophobia? Why are people so scared and threatened by Muslims? Do American fundamentalists and radical film makers know that they are separated from the Arab peninsula by thousands of miles of very deep water? Did they know that they still make their own rules that will probably stop any imminent caliphate being declared over Washington and the rest of North America? Jeez! Why are the few so dumb, why are they making all the headlines, why are they letting other people (diplomats) get killed for their bullshit? Why, why, why? I also have to ask, why are people in the Middle East getting so upset at something that is clearly the product of a bunch of fucking clowns in the USA, a VERY TINY bunch of morons so small they are nothing… until they are given recognition by your anger? Be comforted by the fact that your faith is your faith and no one can take that from you, never, ever, no way! Muslims of the world know you are right on this issue but getting angry and killing people who have nothing to do with it isn’t the right response. Leave the embassies alone. You just make yourselves criminals by attacking them over an issue like this. I can fully understand your anger but remember, as human beings you’re better than that. Rise above it.

Moron film makers, know you are probably going to get beaten the fuck up by Islamic fundamentalists. No one will care about you, moron American film makers.

Everyone else, try not to get caught up in it, doing your job, or living your life.

One day this world of ours will co-exist peacefully, regardless of nation or religion. Yeah I’m foolish enough to still believe that shit.


Andy Murray erases Tim Henman from existence.

Just like ‘The Inquisitor’ from Red Dwarf, Andy Murray has managed to erase all traces of Tim Henman from the universe. Never again will anyone want to listen to anything that Tim Henman has got to say or search for him online and read about his career on Wikipedia. In fact Wikipedia might as well delete Henman’s entire page and when anyone searches for it just give people a little message saying “Did you mean Andy Murray?”

Earlier this year Andy Murray suffered defeat in the Wimbledon final against Roger Federer automatically making him the most successful Male British tennis player in the last 70 years or so. Tim Henman had been an admirable, if smug, best player we’d had for years but he was no longer our ‘ever present quarter and semi final hero.’ He became that bloke who didn’t get to the final like Andy Murray did.

Then the London Summer Olympics came along and gave Andy Murray a chance to shine again. So he did. Walking to the final and then gaining revenge over Federer who’d beaten him at Wimbledon. He took gold and Tim Henman became, Tim who?

And then Andy Murray, the man everyone loves to mock because he’s Scottish and miserable (two things that are not mutually exclusive) decided that two finals and one victory in 2012 wasn’t enough so he went and beat Novak Djokovic in five nerve jangling sets to become the first British winner of a tennis grand slam since the awesome Fred Perry. Thankfully Fred Perry is another era or two ago and so we don’t like to compare any modern tennis player to him too much… yet! (Perry won 3 Wimbledon titles, 3 US Open titles, 1 French Open and 1 Australian Open).

Congratulations to Andy Murray for becoming the most influential and successful modern day tennis player we have. Trumping all of his peers from the past half dozen decades and thanks Murray for erasing that grinning, loser Henman from the minds of passive followers of tennis such as myself.

It’s nice to be on the winning side at last.