I often question myself about why I bother to blog. Why do I sit down and lay all of this crap down on a Word page and then post it all to WordPress? Why? What am I getting out of it? And the more I consider that the harder the answer becomes. I don’t know why I bother, I just do. I think some people just need to write. And why not? Most people in Britain can read and write, most of them read but not all of them write? Why not? Of all of the tools you have at your disposal writing is a very simple and yet very fundamental one. The pen is mightier than the sword, that is so god damned true. Many people cannot read and write in this world, because of a lack of education, poverty, living in a war zone, etc etc and so they are not gifts we should take for granted just because most of us can do them. They are not natural gifts, they are learned! God didn’t make you read or write, your parents and your teachers did because they wanted you to communicate with the world and each other. Reading isn’t odd, neither is writing.
I also often ask myself the question, ‘Why do you write twice as much as you put onto wordpress only to delete it?’ Again I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I have to get it out of my head and just splurging it once is enough to free my mind from it. Maybe I have so little to moan about I know that my first world complaining will only appear as utter garbage to my readers in the Sudan, or maybe I just write so much so fast when I read it back it sometimes makes no sense between point a and point b and maybe I should lay off the sauce.
I sometimes think that having a blog is also very self indulgent. Why are my opinions any more valid than yours? The simple fact is they aren’t. I don’t know any more than you on most of the subjects I talk about. You probably have a higher IQ than me, a better job and a 12” penis too! It’s also easy to agree with someone, disagreement leads to chat and debate which is what I want here and maybe I’ll change my opinion on something and be a better and more enlightened person as well as encouraging you to ponder something, sometimes. I want people to disagree (if they disagree). But people rarely do disagree and let you know. People read, think the opposite and simply walk away. They fear being labelled trolls for saying something that contradicts the opening argument. Why? I know it’s easier to pretend you never read something disagreeable than have your own opinion and share it, but it’s better if you say something you feel is right and maybe make a few people think. I can’t be the only person here reading this who feels this way surely?
But interaction aside, why do I blog? That was my original question. Well I do it because it’s a moment of my life or my minds synapses firing that will live online for as long as WordPress.com are in business. Blogging doesn’t take up any time, not really. Rarely have I spent more than twenty minutes on a post and usually eighteen minutes of that is leg work I did at work whilst stuffing my face and pretending I can’t hear a phone ring. Stick to what you’re good at, that’s what I say, that saying is also why I spend 18 hours a day asleep.
Yes I truly have no idea why I bother blogging, but I love it, it’s like some weird addiction I have. WordPress is like a meth-amphetamine and I’m hooked. They say we all have a wee kid in us reminding us of childhood and innocent shit, well the kid in me is autistic and he loves to see the subscriber count and word count and hit count go up and up and up!
But if I could be serious for one second. Given the chance to write a blog from scratch again I’d do it. Anonymity is key. I told my family and friends and work colleagues and they now get to see all of this shit and I wish they didn’t know it was me, but only so I could truly unleash what I thought about everything, instead of censoring myself in case I upset some over-sensitive, thick-as-shit, asshole in my real life. (No not you, that’s not a dig at you.)
I’ve had many blogs over the last twelve years and all of them but this one have gone the way of the complete deletion path. And I know I can do it again. I don’t care that I might lose a hundred thousand words, I don’t care about the effort that has gone into it, the effort comes and goes, I just don’t care because I know I’d start again and see what happens. None of this shit matters. I’m not giving up on bilstonjay.wordpress.com just yet but I keep all options on the table.
I have to say though (brace yourselves) thank you to everyone who has ever subscribed to this particular blog. Never before have I had so many subscribers and readers and commenters and hits and posts and all of that statistical jazz!
Right now I will carry on, I dunno why, but like I said I dunno why I started or why I carry on, I guess I do just have to write and the forum matters not. It could be this blog or maybe the next, but as long as I can write – I will.