Kakorrhaphiophobia.

This post was tapped out pretty quickly and uploaded, apologies for any grammatical errors or obvious spelling mistakes or heavy word repetition.

We all suffer from some fear of failure on some level at some point in our lives. Even the most able and most confident of us buckle under the weight of expectations, hopes and dreams, or at least I’d like to think we do. I find that fear of failure is one of the biggest hurdles that I’ve ever faced in life.

There was a time back when I was a much younger, less wise man I thought I could be a writer. Not necessarily a good one or a successful one but a writer anyway, competent and capable online. But as I’ve gotten older the creative spark has all but gone out and so the prose and poetry have slowly been replaced by things like blogging. Blogging though I don’t think is the writing that I’d had in mind as a young hopeful wannabe. Nowadays I try to write fiction but the fear of failure and the fear of ridicule make it almost impossible to keep any inspiration or narrative going long enough to see it through to some kind of satisfying conclusion and so the word files are deleted or torn up are the pages. It’s a fear that I have to learn to shake because at the same time I really do want to write prose because it was such an enjoyable thing to do back when I could almost do it for fun. I have allowed the fear to take over and here I am writing this instead of having a go at the real writing I want to do… I’m rambling now.

So where was I going with this point? I dunno, and with that I’ve failed, this time to make a real point at all and offer you an engaging interesting read. I think I have a fear of talking about fear too.

This is a fear that has started to creep into the research and the writing of the Bilston Town history book. The weight of that project has started to hang heavy on me in recent weeks. I’m so scared of it being rubbish and worrying about letting down so many people who are waiting to read it (yes there are many, many people who want to read it gulps) but of course at the same time I’m enjoying being the person tasked with such an honourable venture. I think at this very moment as I tap these words out I’m just feeling a little bit down. Why, who knows? Quitting smoking and greatly reducing my alcohol intake hasn’t helped and that is true, but on the nights I don’t drink I’m anxious and fearful when trying to write and on the nights I do drink I’m in no state to even attempt anything close to competent writing.

I think I may take a short break to come to terms with the changes in my life that I want (need) to make and then find a new routine with a clearer head and less compulsive attitude towards vices I can live without (and certainly could afford to leave behind from a financial point of view) and then try to replace the addictions to nicotine and alcohol with addictions to researching and writing.

Peace.

If you can help me with any information relating to the history of Bilston Town Football club please drop me an email at ‘bilstontownfcbook (at) outlook (dot) com.’ You can also follow updates as and when I share them on the twitter feed @bilstontownbook. You can follow my latest blog updates here: @bilston_jay and you can follow my everyday random chit chat here: @bilstonjay. Cheers!

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Just a quickie – Darlaston FC fund raising continues.

I’ve received this email from Neil Chambers at Darlaston FC and thought I’d share it here. If you can help them please do.

Jay.


Thank you for your continued support and Interest in DarlastonTown (1874) FC. I wanted to let you know what events we have coming up – we have something for everyone, After a sell out Beer and Skittles Night at Bentley Leisure Pavilion we now have three further fund raisers arranged. All of our fund raisers support our aim as a Community Club and are aimed at all of the family and at supporting clubs and businesses in the Darlaston and surrounding area.

1. Sports Quiz at Sprintz Health and Fitness Club Bilston St, DarlastonWS10 8EY on Friday 18th July at 7.45pm – teams of 4 -£5 per team. It does not matter if you are not “sporty” anyone will be able to have a go at the answers. Tickets from Neil Chambers on 07976752698 orchambers568@btinternet.com.

2. Sunday 3 August  Kick Off 2.00pm – Wolves All Stars v WBA All Stars at Darlaston Community Association Hall St Sports Social Centre, Wednesbury WS10 8NL . Adults £4 Concessions £1.

If you want to be a substitute for your favourite team then you can bid in our “substitutes auction”. see our facebook page and website on how to bid.

3. Finally a Pre Christmas date for your diary. On Friday 5 December we will be having a Take That Tribute Night  and extravaganza of music from the 1960s – present day together with a Disco. The event is at Darlaston All Active Club 75 Willenhall Rd, Darlaston WS10 8JG , Doors open at 7.00pm with “Take That” on stage at 8.45pm.

The night will be a fantastic night to have your Company Christmas “Do” , a family pre Christmas Party or simply to get a group of family and friends together for a great night out. Food will be available on the night and can be pre ordered.

Tickets are Adults £5 and Under16s £2. You can reserve tickets by emailing chambers568@btinternet.com.

Follow our website http://www.darlastontown1874fc/ and our facebook and Twitter pages. 

OH YES – I forgot and our Football Season starts soon !!!!!!!!!!!!

Neil. 

I don’t believe it. (aka Bilston Town book update 4 – 2014)

Where has 2014 gone? In fact did 2013 even happen?

Ever noticed how time speeds up as you get older. I hate the irony of that. You know, the less time that you have left the quicker it goes, that is very cruel indeed. Remember the summer holidays as a kid; they seemed to last for ever and ever. Maybe it’s the repetitive boring humdrum nature of adulthood that makes every day seem the same and so one day is pretty much the same as the next.

It seems like five minutes since I had the idea to write the history of Bilston Town FC and it’s been around a year since that popped into my head. Now during the last year I’ve done a lot of research. I’ve found a lot of club honours and achievements, uncovered the entire league history from 1894 to 2014 and have also found out bits of interesting trivia and facts from many of the lovely people I have met at the 2 former players reunions that I have attended. I have found out about past players that have either come from or gone to the football league, some decorated individuals. I have so much information to go on and so many lines of enquiry it sometimes is very overwhelming, I often lie in bed and wonder what task I have taken on but I know it’ll be worth every late night and day off work (such as today) to get stuff well researched and written down. Its nice to just sit and be able to concentrate on just the writing, today has been one sweet days holiday. Even the rain and glumness outside hasn’t dragged my mood down, which it often can do.

April was a good month for the book, but May was terrible. I hardly did any writing or research in May. Life just took over and it seemed the harder I tried to find time, the more things came up that had to be dealt with. But it keeps you on your toes to be busy and it’s always nice to have a project such as this on the back burner ready to dive back into again, which I now have. Hopefully June can be better than April for the output towards completing this project.

I was informed by a friend of mine about this link which is from the clubs official site and it talks about the book being out in 2014. That may be a little on the optimistic side. I’d pencil it in as an end of 2014-15 season book or maybe a pre-season 2015-16 book. But either way I’d like it to be ready for the summer of next year. That gives me another full year to write up everything I already have and time to fill in any gaps and double check I haven’t missed out too much.

It truly is a labour of love, it’s a bigger job than I thought, but the challenge just makes it more fun and more interesting. It appeals to my meticulous nature to collect as much info, no matter how small or large, and organise it then sit and write about it. It really is a great thing. May I take this opportunity to thank Graham Hodson and everyone at Bilston football club for there help and continued support with this project so far and going forward, and also may I thank all of the former players, current management, the fans, my family and friends and anyone who has offered help from various organisations – from the West Midlands Regional league to local football fans and clubs, such as Willenhall town, who have offered information, help and advice. Can I also thank Neil Chambers who helped me get the ball rolling by chatting to me for over an hour as I set out on this project for all of his help, advice and continued support, and good luck to him and his management team on reforming Darlaston Town football club ready for next season.

Thank you all, this journey isn’t close to being over yet, but the distance travelled so far has been fun and its been awesome. I’ve met a lot of great people and it truly makes me proud to be able to call Bilston my home and to know the football club is at the centre of a tremendous community, we are one big family, together we are Bilston.

Cheers!

(and peace)

You can keep up to date with my blog by pressing follow if you have a wordpress.com account, by signing up for email updates (top right), by following my twitter account @bilston_jay or by following on Google plus. You can keep up to date with the book at @bilstontownbook on twitter and if you think you can offer me any help, information or know any past players or managers that you can put me into contact with you can find me via this blog or email bilstontownfcbook (at) outlook (dot) com. Thanks for reading.

How do we limit ourselves?

We limit ourselves all of the time, “I can’t do that, I might fail, it’s too much like hard work, I need to stop and think, I can’t do it I’m poor/working class/too old/too stubborn/too needy of affirmation to do it alone.”

What a lot of crap.

I’ve spent more time than I dare remember writing bullshit, but I don’t care its time passed and experience. I’ve been told I’m a shit writer a shit blogger and I’ve been told that I should get Cancer and die – so far (thank fuck) I’m disappointing them on that request (by the way I don’t do requests).

I don’t write for the reader; that would make it stilted, awkward, boring, tiresome and largely uninteresting. The idea that someone is reading these words as I type them interests me as much as the shining of a star in a galaxy beyond the visible universe. Fuck it. It’s shining right now, and you are reading this right now. That’s OK, it’s cool, amazing, but not worthy of too much comment. Like everything we do this is a passing moment and soon we’ll all be doing something else. None of it matters, not a jot, not one bit.

But I’m digressing from my point, if I still have any readers, if you made it this far thanks for reading. I do appreciate it, but I’m sure you are intelligent enough to understand my point here. The point that – my blog isn’t worth shit but I’ll keep writing it because I like writing. Blogs are selfish things; it’s all about my motivation, my train of thought and my ability to type and press publish. That’s it in a nutshell guys.

Ever written a haiku or a poem or a first draft novel or a script or a shopping list or a list of people you wanna kill? I have. I must’ve written two hundred poems in my life (and that is hard to admit but these days I care not one shit what you or anyone else thinks, you’ve done it too and if you aint you are a heartless soulless cunt who deserves every illness that mother nature will give you during our extinction) and about as many haikus. I wrote a first draft novel once that had the consistency of pooh only it was flammable and made of uranium. It had to go. Although the lists of people I want to kill only get better and longer.

So what is my point here, today, right now?

I’m doing this drunk at 3.15am on a Wednesday morning and I have work today! It’s not hard, the internal voice makes my fingers move when I think about this and it happens. I could do it all night but I’d get sore fingers, knackered and probably be asleep when I should be going to work.

The days of the struggling writer, the tortured writer and the poor genius writer are long gone. We live in a world where ideas can’t escape you; you can note them down on your phone, your tablet, your laptop or even your office desktop. We all have time to think about them, muse over them and expand them; whilst still holding down a job a home and a life.

People who moan about writing are just lazy. They want the rewards without the effort. They want to say they are a writer without writing. That’s not me. I love writing and despite my best efforts here I am – writing at least. And I fucking love it. I’m not a failure cus I’m not a rich, successful millionaire-publishing sensation. I’m a winner because I keep going on and on and on like a Nigerian Prince with a billion pounds to send you, I keep on trying and trying and trying. Not for fame, wealth, “success” whatever the fuck that means, or legacy. But just cus it feels nice to write and share a few words with you.

And that’s why I’m happy writing and blogging.

It’s a hobby. It aint paying the bills, its not stressful, its not hard, its just fun. Taking thoughts and using education, literacy and typing skills to share a few ideas and thoughts with you.

God damn it, it feels good…

… and like Arnie I’ll be back!

Peace.

Greatest World Cup Team of Your Life?

I’ve watched England (on TV granted) at World Cup finals since 1986 when they have qualified every time bar 1994 (did we all not like that) and I was wondering to myself, ‘If I could pick my own ultimate England World Cup team of my lifetime from the World cup squads of each tournament, who would I pick?’ So I have done (see below) And I am asking you, based on the following 7 squads (including 2014) who would you name as your ultimate England squad? Have a go and leave your comments at the bottom, it would be interesting to see how different or similar people’s views on this matter are. The only rules are: They have to be players that were in the final World Cup squads (no standby players from those individual years) and you have to have at least 2 goalkeepers in case of injury. The rest (formation and players) is up to you, up to a total squad size of 22 and with 6 players on standby (but your standby players have to be from these World cup squads too). Don’t bother naming a manager, you are the manager, but I’d assume most people would pick Bobby Robson anyway, and rightly so!

1986: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1986_FIFA_World_Cup_squads#.C2.A0England

1990: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1990_FIFA_World_Cup_squads#England

1998: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1998_FIFA_World_Cup_squads#England

2002: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2002_FIFA_World_Cup_squads#England

2006: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2006_FIFA_World_Cup_squads#England

2010: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2010_FIFA_World_Cup_squads#England

2014: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/England_national_football_team#Current_squad

So what would be your ultimate 22+6 England squad from the last twenty eight years? I look forward to your replies. Have fun & enjoy peeps.

Peace.

ULTIMATE ENGLAND WORLD CUP TEAM SQUAD PLAYERS