This post was tapped out pretty quickly and uploaded, apologies for any grammatical errors or obvious spelling mistakes or heavy word repetition.
We all suffer from some fear of failure on some level at some point in our lives. Even the most able and most confident of us buckle under the weight of expectations, hopes and dreams, or at least I’d like to think we do. I find that fear of failure is one of the biggest hurdles that I’ve ever faced in life.
There was a time back when I was a much younger, less wise man I thought I could be a writer. Not necessarily a good one or a successful one but a writer anyway, competent and capable online. But as I’ve gotten older the creative spark has all but gone out and so the prose and poetry have slowly been replaced by things like blogging. Blogging though I don’t think is the writing that I’d had in mind as a young hopeful wannabe. Nowadays I try to write fiction but the fear of failure and the fear of ridicule make it almost impossible to keep any inspiration or narrative going long enough to see it through to some kind of satisfying conclusion and so the word files are deleted or torn up are the pages. It’s a fear that I have to learn to shake because at the same time I really do want to write prose because it was such an enjoyable thing to do back when I could almost do it for fun. I have allowed the fear to take over and here I am writing this instead of having a go at the real writing I want to do… I’m rambling now.
So where was I going with this point? I dunno, and with that I’ve failed, this time to make a real point at all and offer you an engaging interesting read. I think I have a fear of talking about fear too.
This is a fear that has started to creep into the research and the writing of the Bilston Town history book. The weight of that project has started to hang heavy on me in recent weeks. I’m so scared of it being rubbish and worrying about letting down so many people who are waiting to read it (yes there are many, many people who want to read it gulps) but of course at the same time I’m enjoying being the person tasked with such an honourable venture. I think at this very moment as I tap these words out I’m just feeling a little bit down. Why, who knows? Quitting smoking and greatly reducing my alcohol intake hasn’t helped and that is true, but on the nights I don’t drink I’m anxious and fearful when trying to write and on the nights I do drink I’m in no state to even attempt anything close to competent writing.
I think I may take a short break to come to terms with the changes in my life that I want (need) to make and then find a new routine with a clearer head and less compulsive attitude towards vices I can live without (and certainly could afford to leave behind from a financial point of view) and then try to replace the addictions to nicotine and alcohol with addictions to researching and writing.
If you can help me with any information relating to the history of Bilston Town Football club please drop me an email at ‘bilstontownfcbook (at) outlook (dot) com.’ You can also follow updates as and when I share them on the twitter feed @bilstontownbook. You can follow my latest blog updates here: @bilston_jay and you can follow my everyday random chit chat here: @bilstonjay. Cheers!